| Wednesday, September 28, 2005 |
| superstitious woman |
Surf's up, dooce.
Superstition is a funny thing. I'm not talking about salt over the left shoulder, black cats, or "Step on a crack, break yo mama's back." I'm talking about professional baseball players that won't change their socks and underwear for an entire season because they think it will get them more home runs, RBIs, or some other baseball statistic out of the millions I don't understand. How'd you like to be that trophy wife at the end of the season? Shooey.
I suppose the most superstitious I've ever been was as a tween.* My parents moved from a tiny house in our suburban city to a sprawling 2-acre ranch. Okay, so two acres does not constitute a ranch, but to a 10-year old, it felt like a large island. Even Australia, maybe. So, as a result of this cross-town move, I was forced to ride the bus. The public school bus is a funny thing. You think you're putting your child into the loving arms of Big Bird's preferred mode of fantasy transportation, but bus kids are the wildest group of misfits I've ever encountered. One time, a kid threw a bus seat out the window while we drove along the highway. Nice.
As a result of doing hard time as a bussed kid, I learned that there are certain things you must do to superstitiously ensure that Bert the bus driver isn't some mental institution patient or knocking back a couple of whiskey shots while stopped at a red light. For example, when you exit the bus, you must whack the back of each seat you pass on the way out, bonus points if you catch a couple of heads in the process. In addition, for every cemetery you pass, you must hold your breath to avoid inhaling the spirits, either that or Bert's breath. I'm not quite sure.
So, as Lauren becomes more and more mobile, she seems to have established a few superstitions of her own. For example:
1. Every pipsqueak-sized chair must be conquered by standing on it.
2. Every smaller-than-a-breadbox toy that is required to play with it's larger mothership toy must be either hidden, relocated to another room, or preferably relocated to another state.
3. If a black dog crosses or blocks your path, you must trip over it. Bonus points for yelping and wetting the carpet.
4. Smear face and clothing with food in order to keep the bad spirits at bay. Bad spirits = mom, dad, most strangers, and several small rodents.
5. When crossing a door threshold in the middle of a heat wave when the A/C is blasting, pause and study the threshold for several minutes as if you have never seen one before and it just might eat you. Finally, realize that the blast of cold air exiting the home will protect you from falling and assume the bear-crawl pose. Bonus points for still falling down while attempting to crawl over the threshold.
Let's hope she doesn't find the salt shaker any time soon.
*If you don't know what this is, I'm not going to tell you. Go ask Mary Kate. |
| posted by ieatcrayonz @ 9/28/2005 |
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