| Friday, March 03, 2006 |
| the post in which my family either calls me laughing hysterically or never speaks to me again and will most likely hire a hit man |
Lauren, I love you, and I'm going to be completely honest with you. This family you were born into, well, it has its quirks. I'm going to warn you now because this may not make any sense until you hit those god-awful dreaded teen pubescent years.
Okay, here goes...
Our beloved family members wear REALLY bad glasses.
I'm not talking the huge monstrosities that those stick people Paris and Nicole wear. I'm talking about the fact that once your Grandpa and Grandma enter the Quickie Mart and spy a pair of $2.99 amber-colored aviators, it's all over.
Consider yourself warned, my dear.
Granted, your mother, father, aunts, and uncles are all products of the 1970's. Back then it was legal to pose for pictures looking like this:
Hmmm, did you hear something?
Oh, that was just my brother's jaw dropping to the floor.
Okay big brother, before you call me threatening to sue for defamation of character or underhanded little sister blog acts of unkindness, let me just say that at least I refrained from posting this picture. C'mon, take one for the team.
I feel the need to redeem myself, so I'll just post this one:
See, you were cute in a deranged sort of "I like to wear disguises and stalk the lady that drives the neighborhood ice cream truck" way.
It only gets better Lauren sweetie.
Grandma and Grandpa are by far the worst offenders of the "hold on to the 70's and 80's with ever fiber of your being" mentality.
Mom has a tight grip on Joe's muzzle so that he can't run away from being eternally captured in a photograph with the crazy lady in the big glasses.
And Grandpa. Oh Grandpa.
This looks like a 1980's TV grab off a commercial for fishing line...or hair gel.
It gets much worse when we get together with our long-distance relatives. It's as if the uncool factor jumps 168%.
My dad and his brothers are wearing clothing that wouldn't pass the dress code in any U.S. high school today. However, they could pass for models in that commercial where the background music is "We wear short shorts."
And then there's the unspoken rule that family members are not allowed to share or exchange glasses.
This is my dad wearing my mom's pair of stop sign shaped glasses from high school. Unbelievable? Believe it.
Okay then. I suppose it's up to me now to release the skeletons in my closet. Okay, fine.
I honestly don't know what's worse: the huge glasses or the pink Pepto paisley. Rancito, don't laugh. You wore a pair of these huge arse teardrop beauties up until about 3 years ago. It's no wonder I was the first girl you dated, even if you do wear contacts most of the time.
And then there was the time that I got three pairs of sunglasses for $19.99 through mail order.
Do I look mad? Well, if I wasn't, I should have been.
Then there's the time that my dad drove three highly obnoxious college freshmen to a rowing regatta in Topeka.
I think my dad was pissed either because I touched his sunglasses or because he drove all the way to Topeka just to turn around because it was too cold and windy to row.
And finally, there's all of us. It's not fair that my brother escaped the sunglasses in this photo.
God I'm short.
So Lauren, this is us in all of our unabashed naked glory. You can take it or leave it, but you can't deny that you share the same DNA with freaks of nature. Okay, that was stretching it a tad. We're not freaks of nature. We're just people that don't read Vogue and shop for eye protection at the Quickie Mart. Just simple folk.
Think of it this way - at least we're not carnival workers or clowns. Clowns. Ew, that would be really bad.
Um, oh crud. Scratch that.
My therapist says that my fear of clowns most likely resulted from my mother peering into my crib late at night dressed in full clown make-up.
Don't be fooled. He's really just fantasizing about the ice cream truck lady again.
How you like them eyebrows?
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| posted by ieatcrayonz @ 3/03/2006 |
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